The Humorist

The Dating Scene at 80

Yes, there is a dating scene at 80! Just who did you think was buying all that Viagra?

My mother is a widow in her 80’s. She’s 83, I think.  And being 83 she’s starting to forget stuff like her glasses, her teeth, her walker, her age..

Some things she never forgets:

  •  Her lipstick, Revlon's fire engine red Forever Scarlet,
  • Her pick up line: “My middle name is Flora Selva. It means Flower of the Jungle.”
  • And her black stilletto pumps! (Just why did you think she needs the walker?)

The other day, we're in Central Park and my mother strikes up a conversation with a guy with a parrot on his shoulder.  It seems he's a collector. He collects exotic creatures:

  •  Parrots,
  • Iguanas,
  • Lava Lizards,
  • Chinchillas,
  • Spider Monkeys,
  • Blue Morpho Butterflies,
  • Ocelots,
  • Pythons,
  • and Women…
They exchange phone numbers and negotiate a rendezvous at the Cow Girls Bar in the West Village.

After we got home I ribbed my mom about her date:
“You’re picking them a bit young. That guy could not have been a day over 55.”

Mom says:
“So? I’m 69. Okay, okay! Give or take a couple of years. Who’s counting? Look when you get older you’ll understand.

Let me tell you about the dating scene at 80:

There’s the dead.
There’s the living dead.
Then there are the 80-year old body builders with 18-year old girlfriends.
This pretty much leaves 50-something guys that don’t want to commit.”

Yesterday, we’re dining at her favorite burger joint and this good-looking guy asks Mom to pass the ketchup.  Mom passes me a napkin with a note on it:  
“We’re sisters. I’m 50, you’re 35. And just remember: You were an accident.”
Needless to say, within moments, she had lined up a date for Saturday night.

On the way out, she leans over to me and says:
“Now you know why this is my favorite burger joint!”
Mom has gotten so good a picking up men that my single girlfriends hang out with her to pick over the leftovers!

She told me the secret to her success: 
“At my age I have less hang-ups than when I was younger. At 69, you don’t have to worry about long-term commitments. An hour or two is a long-term commitment.
Just churn them and burn them.
As far as selecting men:
  • Breathing is good.
  • A pulse is good.
  • Ambulatory is better.
  • And I don’t get bored.
And everything is always new.” 
“Everything is always new? Mom, at your age haven’t you heard and seen everything?”

“One of the great thing about being 69, is I forget everything that was just said. (A short pause.)
By the way, what were we just talking about and who are you?”

Mom has apparently been having a memory problem for quite some time now. It seems she forgot how old she was when she was dating my dad in the 50’s.

She told my father she born in 1931 when really she was born in 1921! Her reasoning: “Men die young!”

Here’s my advice:

To you married ladies:

Take care of your man. Don’t rack up the charge cards to the max. Don’t nag him to take out the garbage. In fact, take out the garbage yourself. And start shoveling the snow.

To you guys:
Remember guys “there’s the dead, the living dead, [and] then there are 80-year old body builders with 18-year old girl friends.” It’s your future. I'd hit the treadmill now.

Single ladies:

My mother is checking out the Metropolitan Museum of Art on Sunday.
Meet her in the lobby of the Museum at 1PM.
You’re guaranteed a date for Saturday night!

Copyright ©2004 Roxanne Hoffman